Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
