I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
