I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
