My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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