I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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