Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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