Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
