I didn't shave. On purpose
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
