i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Randomize
