I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
where are my eyebrows?
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