I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
