and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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