so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I need to calm my uterus...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
