Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
