BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
