Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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