Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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