I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize