Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
