I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
