So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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