..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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