I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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