found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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