If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
