whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
