If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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