Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
