i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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