pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
