I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
