R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
