I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
