Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
