The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
