If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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