mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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