i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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