Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize