I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
