a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
