the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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