her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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