Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
