After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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