someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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