Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Randomize
