Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
