I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
