I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Drunk is not a location!
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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