come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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