the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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