I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
