WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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