My liver just broke up with me...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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