I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
