i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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