it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
