so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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